Monday, September 8, 2008

A New Kind of Roller Coaster

So yeah, basically I have been slacking. I was going to continue with the trend today, when I read Natasha's post about having freakout moments just because of life. And I thought to myself:

Yeah. That's pretty much where I'm at right now.

Luckily, my current moment is on its way out (they tend to do that after a couple of days,) and I wonder, "Why was I so worried?"

I'm graduated.

That translates into a lot more time at home for me, which wasn't supposed to be a problem, as I was originally planning on having a little 2 1/2-month-old scooting around about this time. That (obviously) is no longer the case. Thanks to my second and third miscarriages, the roller coaster hasn't quite come to a complete stop. Emotionally, yes, but I'm doing great there. I've found that after the first one, it's not so much emotionally devastating as it is just disappointing and frustrating. The roller coaster analogy refers more to the "planning for the future" part of my life. I have to keep switching gears from "Prepare to be a mom" mode to "Maybe I should help provide for our family" mode.

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have given up my pursuit of a nursing major. At this point, I probably could have been out of the program by the time we have a successful pregnancy. And then I wouldn't have to brace myself every time I tell someone what I graduated in. Don't get me wrong--I loved majoring in Home and Family Living. I felt uplifted and fulfilled as I took and completed all (okay, so maybe MOST) of my classes. However, a lot of people have preconceived notions about HFL or MFHD majors. And I hate even the possibility of being stuck mindlessly into someone's stereotype. I hate feeling like I have to somehow validate my major by explaining the life events and changes that landed me in HFL, in addition to explaining how awesome my plans are with medical transcription, and how well my photography business is working out for me.

Maybe this is simply a personal insecurity. Maybe I feel this way because I used to hold a stereotype for people who graduated with a degree in Home and Family Living, and now--having completed the courses--realize how completely wrong and idiotic I was.

The other part of the roller coaster involved health insurance. As of the middle of August, I was pregnant (again.) And since I was currently with DMBA (BYU health plan,) and already pregnant, I couldn't get any kind of private insurance. So I assumed I would have to use the "extended coverage" option--it would cost about the same amount as being a dependant on Kirby's plan, but would give us the flexibility of being able to stop mid-semester when I had my baby in March. But get this--$560/month. So basically, all the money we were supposed to be saving from free rent would be going to my health insurance. Blah.

But wait! A financial ray of hope! If you take at least 2.0 credit hours as a postbaccalaureate student at BYU, you get the student pricing on insurance. $350/semester as opposed to $560/month. So I applied, was accepted, and planned to take a 3.0 credit class with Kirby--one that I had already taken, and thoroughly enjoyed. It was supposed to be nice and easy.

But then, I miscarried again. That in and of itself was a crazy situation. Maybe I will blog about it later. But that meant that I could now get private insurance. I wound up talking to this girl who was studying in the same part of the JFSB as me about her insurance, and she hooked me up with her agent. Everything looked great. For just over $100/month I could get awesome coverage, and it was, of course, month to month. Perfect.

Too good to be true? Yup. Back and forth, back and forth. I feel like I'm on a perpetual see-saw. It turns out that my three miscarriages basically mean that no one will insure me until I have a successful pregnancy. (Basically until I can prove that I am somehow not broken.)

Frustrating, isn't it? How being honest can come back and bite you in the butt?

So, back to square one. Sort of. I was already enrolled for my class, so it was back to square two. :) Since I am already covered by DMBA, they can't kick me out.

I emailed that agent back, though, to ask another question. What if the doctors know what the problem is, which means they will have it taken care of next time? He said he would check on it, along with a little extra blurb about some agency that would insure me for an 25% increase to the price.

And that's where I am now. You know what I know. And I am sick of it. I will probably end up taking this class, and crossing my fingers that maybe--just MAYBE--we will actually have a baby before my cheaper insurance options run out. I am trying my best to keep my hands, arms, feet and legs inside the cart at all times. I am clutching my restraining bar, and am hanging on for dear life. But honestly? Couldn't we try a new ride?


Megan said...

Oh man, I am so sorry. About all of it! Life sure is hard sometimes, isn't it? And dealing with insurance companies is just no fun at all. It's all so expensive. Shortly after we found out about Aubrey's hypotonia Blue Cross Blue Shield dropped our coverage. Which left Bree un-insurable. It was a disaster. There we absolutely times when I seriously wanted to crawl in bed and never come out again.

But hang in there Lauren! This too shall pass.

michellep said...

I couldn't help but comment. First of all, I'm so sorry! You must be extremely frustrated! So I have just a few bits to share.

First, don't be ashamed about HFL. I know exactly how you feel. I graduated in MFHD. But I have to tell you those preconceived notions go away when you leave the BYU area.

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. We too had a hard time getting pregnant, though I never miscarried. It was so hard to get a negative test result month after month. But it worked out in the end. I was able to get a job for a year that had awesome maternity benefits.

Insurance stuff sucks. We've been struggling with it lately for a few reasons. First, we're poor students, second I chose to stay home with Link and lost my benefits, and lastly Link has had some health issues. So, we've turned to state health insurance. It's not our first choice, but it's gotten us out of a bind. I don't know how you feel about it, but what I'm trying to say is it's there if you need it. I'm not sure about Utah but I know in California you automatically qualify if you're pregnant.

Meridith said...

Oh, I love you, Lauren. What a well-written, mature, faith-living person you have become. I'm honored to have you as a friend--such a friend to learn from and look up to. I wish I were there to give you a thousand hugs and just be there for you, but I understand that this is YOUR adventure. Thank you for sharing your life lessons.

You are one of the best people I know, (no matter your major). ;) If anything, I look up to you more because of it.

Nat said...

Since I graduated in MFHD, I also know what you're talking about. Ironically, I also was a nursing major but then switched when I realized I wouldn't be able to use my degree right away (because I also was planning on having a baby by now, but it hasn't worked out that way). Insurance companies suck. That's all there is to it. Good luck trying to work that out. Also, have you looked into the Aflac 10-month plan??

Matt and Lindsay said...

I know the roller coaster feeling, but for a different reason. I fully expected to get a teaching job when we moved out here and so I tried, and tried, and tried, and then nothing. Well, I waited all summer and therefore had nothing to do all day while Matt was at work. It was super boring and also very depressing. So I looked into other options for a job and sent my resume to a temp agency. However, they never did call. Well, now I plan on substitute teaching and have gotten in contact with a better temp agency, who actually call me. However, it is difficult when the temp agency does calls because I never know if a substitute teaching position will come up for one of the days I have already committed to temping. And I would much rather substitute teach then temp! Anyways.. thanks for sharing your feelings and everything will work out in the Lord's time, something I have come to learn a lot this summer.

rachel b. said...

Lauren, that's so rough. It definitely sucks when all your plans turn out to not match up with what actually happens. I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriages--my sister-in-law and brother had a lot of trouble getting pregnant, too, and had so many miscarriages before she finally had a successful pregnancy. It was so hard for her to be so excited each time, and then have it not work out time after time. Hang in there! You're an amazing girl, and I really hope things get easier for you.

Unknown said...

I hate dealing with insurance! And it is so hard to plan for the future when you don't know what to plan for. What a roller coaster! Good luck. I love seeing your pictures btw. I think you are so talented! I really wish I still lived there so that you could take pictures of our family.

elise and jeff said...

You poor thing...I had no idea, I am so sorry! I am sure in the end everything will work out, the Lord is going to bless you...for your testimony and sweetness :) PS you could try pay $100.00month and when you deliver you get $3300.00 to cover some of the hospital bills...

Miriam said...

Oh Lauren, I so sorry to hear your sad news. Insurance people stink! Stick with it and I know it will all work out for the best.

Thanks for the suggestions about the sequels. I just have to convince David to put $$ for them in the budget...the library out here is kind of lame but I'm going to work them :) I love my camera, so many things to learn!!


Meli said...

Lauren!!! I feel soo sad to hear about your miscarriages!
I m sorry:(,
We friends are here for you,:D

Anonymous said...

wow. i feel honored to be able to comment after all these wonderful friends you have. :) this is probably the most emotional blog i've seen of yours! thanks for being such a good friend lauren and i pray for you. see you at the next bbq?


©2009 DAV.I.SON. | by TNB